MEANING
I would like to state first of all that I approached life like a giant amusement park. About 45 years ago I happened upon a freak show in a yearly carnival. Popeye stood out on the podium drawing a crowd in by preaching the gospel according to the lost all the while popping his eyes to such an extent that at first the crowd would wince and turn away, but it became such a convincing spectacle and so constant that the crowd just took it in; all the while parading in like rats to cheese.
And that's pretty much my life. If I wasn't doing the beckoning I was following the darker road, begging for darker things. The darkness was all I knew.
When my mind isnt so tired as now I will tell stories about my life. Stories that my daughter will read later and react to with no surprise what so ever , because I've prepared her, she's just never heard or read the words.
Oh Allison..... I know this world is killing you
my aim is true.............
(elvis costello)
21 - 27
Six short years! So much change in these years that when I look back on it I cant see how I made it. Now...... it's getting down to where i forfeit correct diction which my usual readers will comprehend and things will become more stream of consciousness...... get it? cause thats how i roll.
my 21st birthday comes and i'm thinking "i could disappear anywhere and never be sought after for at least three days". i took that in and i was quite intimidated by the aspect of the thought as well as the number. at the time i was working for the nashville tn. division of the new york stock exchange and loving it. crazy intellectual diversity! oh mama you couldn't penetrate that basement for all the love in the world!
it started with a job that was so far above my head ....... i begged my then boyfriend to take it, because i knew he could . and now he's a multi millionaire and he'll tell you frankly that I gifted him with the monetary expanse. you're welcome!
so much money! guys straight from wall street to teach us the "method". Located right there in the heart of music city usa, nastyville tennessee printers alley .......yes we were!
at then end of the week we celebrated with dinner catered in from the Captains Table by gentlemen dressed in white coats serving fine cuisine and drinks.
i rode in big black cars with the brokers and danced the night away to Evelyn Champagne King. Cigarettes , weed, alcohol........... smile .
YELLOW
Things were good. The check was always in the mail and I had not a care in the world. But I was tiring of my companion and so i left the wild wonderful world of jc. bradford for distance which would eventually lead to my heartfelt demise.
Dark clouds were descending upon the sunshine and i enjoyed the change in vision because dark clouds always beckoned me . Still do.
And with one , no two, no three waves of the god's hands my reality went into overdrive. Love , hate, passion, dysfunction junction was the building i lived in. Pregnancy, death by murder. But I had already hit the ground running and while the tears of regret and pain blurred my vision I kept running at the fastest pace i could. sweet mama.
Cobwebs.
Sickness. Heartbreak. come and dance with me. I couldn't hit the target , i couldn't find security in any form. Possibly God held me in his hands the whole time but I never felt that one embrace. I was on my own. I was dosing myself with the magic poison. so young , so stupid.
not the end ...
not even close
