One year has passed, one very long journey. What I believed just 365 odd days ago has gone askew. What I believed would be the answer was the beginning of my self punishment and salvation.

I retired, I moved to a small city and took big ideas with me. I moved to Cookeville Tn.. And thats all you can say about Cookeville . Now.... I didn't want to be in the city , I spent my life in Nashville Tennessee and watched it turn into a giant cyst of greed and hypocrisy . It's easy to say that next to Cookeville , Nashville is the last place I want to be. But I had to move and I had little time. No savings, no security, no backup, and a slumlord who's  skin was starting to bubble from the smell of gentrification taking over Nashville and all surrounding parts . Let's call him Jeff..... Jeff the slumlord. When someone wants you out of their space because they smell the money, they love the money, they ejaculate money ..... well they can make your life miserable. And so I as many many other victims of greed had little time to move.


Little time, too many animals, a daughter who hates me for giving birth. And no money. I went through psycho therapy for 4 years all to no avail. A fat little man Norman with a itch and a dabble of droll for women with dissociation disorders. Again, our sessions gave birth to a malformed cabbage patch doll. A failure at voodoo imaging. What a sick man. But what is a man if he isn't sick I ask ye?

When I departed Nashville on my birthday in April of 2019 I left to people going through my possessions on the road like valuable road kill. In the end thats what is was I suppose . Intrinsically valuable road kill.

The slumlord still wanted more money. I wept. I didn't owe anything mind you except for what he had taken the amount up to. And this is where as a "christian" I find shaky ground with my faith, that and the fact that I despise men.

This is where I'll wrap things up for the evening. With more on life and art to come tomorrow.
faithfully
c.

MONDAY 

NOT a lot happens on a Monday, no wrong, all kind of things happen on a Monday. I've noticed that Mondays and Tuesdays can pretty much break a whole week , but my worst day so far in my whole lifetime........ SUNDAY. 

I dont like it and i never ever will. 

Artistically speaking i am moving right along . A coat of varnish here , 3 hours on this here thang, and then disturbed sleep . Maybe this has something to do with the cravings for colors I've been having. I absolutely must have yellow-green, chartreuse , olive and sage , oh my! 

Healing. 

One mans last cigar is one womans treasure! I take care of cigar boxes, and I mean they do become different. Full of color . The one above is almost finished I just have to clean up the locks and hinges. 

This was an experiment. For both a window and as a necklace.  It's okay..... it'll do. 

And its building. 

There are days when I've talked to myself so much that in the end I dont have a word to put on paper. I met a man yesterday .... 87 years old..... served in korea as an airforceman. We conversed and it was heavy, he told me that he later went on to counsel the men who had unsuccessfully processed the sick decadence of war.   PTSD.  Yes I know what that is..... yes sir ! 

Anyway he sat there just absolutely bringing tears to my eyes as he reminisced about war days and war dogs and vile forms of everything all the while visualizing something else more pleasant whilst creating a slaughter. 

He discussed the pineal gland , and it's all mighty link to the true knowledge all humans are gifted with but so few care to discover. He spoke deep truths . I was stupefied. I was on the edge of my chair just looking as deeply into this "mans" eyes as I could, I mean, this was a once in a lifetime event. At once when I realized I was possibly talking to a ghost of a ghost the lady next to me , a young attractive hispanic lady got up to her place in line. 

Once she had paid for her medicine he came out of his vision quest of supreme-ness to remark .... now that's cute. 

And to me ....... at that minute..... he lost it all. 

goodnight  

MEANING

I would like to state first of all that I approached life like a giant amusement park. About 45 years ago I happened upon a freak show in a yearly carnival. Popeye stood out on the podium drawing a crowd in by preaching the gospel according to the lost all the while popping his eyes to such an extent that at first the crowd would wince and turn away, but it became such a convincing spectacle and so constant that the crowd just took it in; all the while parading in like rats to cheese. 

And that's pretty much my life. If I wasn't doing the beckoning I was following the darker road, begging for darker things. The darkness was all I knew. 

When my mind isnt so tired as now I will tell stories about my life. Stories that my daughter will read later and react to with no surprise what so ever , because I've prepared her, she's just never heard or read the words. 

Oh Allison..... I know this world is killing you 

    

my aim is true.............

(elvis costello) 

21 - 27

Six short years! So much change in these years that when I look back on it I cant see how I made it. Now...... it's getting down to where i forfeit correct diction which my usual readers will comprehend and things will become more stream of consciousness...... get it? cause thats how i roll. 

my 21st birthday comes and i'm thinking "i could disappear anywhere and never be sought after for at least three days".  i took that in and i was quite intimidated by the aspect of the thought as well as the number. at the time i was working for the nashville tn. division of the new york stock exchange and loving it. crazy intellectual diversity! oh mama you couldn't penetrate that basement for all the love in the world! 

it started with a job that was so far above my head ....... i begged my then boyfriend to take it, because i knew he could . and now he's a multi millionaire and he'll tell you frankly that I gifted him with the monetary expanse. you're welcome! 

so much money! guys straight from wall street to teach us the "method". Located right there in the heart of music city usa, nastyville tennessee printers alley .......yes we were! 

at then end of the week we celebrated with dinner catered in from the Captains Table by gentlemen dressed in white coats serving fine cuisine and drinks. 

i rode in big black cars with the brokers and danced the night away to Evelyn Champagne King. Cigarettes , weed, alcohol........... smile . 

YELLOW 

Things were good. The check was always in the mail and I had not a care in the world. But I was tiring of my companion and so i left the wild wonderful world of jc. bradford for distance which would eventually lead to my heartfelt demise. 

Dark clouds were descending upon the sunshine and i enjoyed the change in vision because dark clouds always beckoned me . Still do. 

And with one , no two, no three waves of the god's hands my reality went into overdrive. Love , hate, passion, dysfunction junction was the building i lived in. Pregnancy, death by murder. But I had already hit the ground running and while the tears of regret and pain blurred my vision I kept running at the fastest pace i could. sweet mama. 

Cobwebs. 

Sickness. Heartbreak. come and dance with me. I couldn't hit the target , i couldn't find security in any form. Possibly God held me in his hands the whole time but I never felt that one embrace. I was on my own. I was dosing myself with the magic poison. so young , so stupid. 

not the end ...

not even close 

If Marlon was a tomato. He'd be the Godfather of fire roasted. 

A bit off but still a happy gum drop graveyard! In the autumn when the leaves fall and coat the dead in color! Such is life! 

Dudley / husband ,  the devil dog. Socks are his forte'. Kitty poo coated in kitty litter..... hmmmm... makes for the bite behind my devil dogs breath.
I had a dream one night. My dream took place in another time, another place; and there I was with my lover. Like forlorn snakes we were, tangled up in ageless desire , cooing lightly like doves ... we were human.
It had come time for us to part, he and I and all between us. I was being left behind. And as I've said once I'll say a thousand times ; it's better to be the one leaving than the one left behind.
And then he was gone.
I woke from the dream in the middle of the orange glow that we ..... devil dog and I sleep in. My heart was so heavy and filled the room with this feeling of acquiescence.
In my arms I held my Dudley..........my devil dog. He slept calmly in my arms as I began to cry. The kind of crying where each and every tear burns. As Dudley slept softly..... then I knew..... he is/ was my lover. My soulmate transformed into the warmth of perfection and devotion.
How divinely sweet , how would he know?
We are both old now and well..... his time could again come before mine. But I swear to you with all the pleasure and pain the Lord God has dealt me ........ we will meet again. And again, and again, and again.
How divinely sweet.
goodnight

1. The transition: I,  like many have gone through so many a transition. I've taken in so many faces and commanded that my mind remember each and every nuance of the subtle joy and pain that I feel when I've glimpsed into anothers eyes. And no matter how many faces, how much laughter I take in there is never a way to fill the hole in my heart, for the river is deep and the flow is long and ever changing. 
2. The remedy in short term fashion:  denial.
3. The end of the story :  too long ago ...... too far apart..... she couldn't wait another day for the captain of her heart (DOUBLE) 
4. And so I continue . I press my face to the steamy glass to see the china that lines the walls that once graced the tables of love and trouble and joy and heartache. And I open the door and search for postcards and love letters and sure enough ...... I find them. 
5. But never my own. 
6. Fried green tomatoes....... many a southerner swears by them. The cornmeal , the fat , salt and pepper takes you there to a place where satisfaction lies in the belly of the oppressor. 
7. the
8. end 

Monday January .... but first.......

It’s so cold out there, lord just inhumanly cold. Cold like in that Kirk Russell movie The Ting. That’s what Northerners call it; down here in the south we call it The Thang whilst the west coast progressives won't even call the movie anything out of fear of labeling.
However it was a dreadful movie... just like 31 Days of Night.  Lord have mercy! Vampires running the streets for 30 nights, TWENTY FOUR SEVEN OF VAMPIRES. And the thing is.... IT’S COLD LIKE ANARTICA OUT THERE. 30 Days of Night is bad enough. Who’s going out anyway? Who’s going to make a run to the market in the frigid night? But in 30 Days of Night citizens are having to make all kinds of runs. And yes, it would make for a better sense of community to fight insanity or cabin fever I suppose. Lots of babies made? I would think ! But in the likely case of arctic as well as blood sucking conditions......   Not me. What got me started on this? It's March now! From November to April in the south any weather goes.
Now from a personal perspective......
 I 'd rather be a werewolf.  Just think of being so evil, with such a blood lust ;  and pining for the taste of that sweet sap  that zero degrees is “no sweat” .... you just wanna suck blood. That makes vampires slaves to their addiction. Disgusting. And...... when you’re a vampire ALL blood is good. No I take that back, there are some exceptions. I doubt political affiliations mean anything however ......

I’ve been watching a lot of dark movies, yeah. I’ve been watching them for about 30 years now, and that could be a problem. I’m too old for love stories. Too old for Care Bears. Do you find yourself mesmerized by Netflix and Prime series?  People just want more show! They don’t want an hour and a half they want immersion.

People are hanging on the hinges of tubular life. We are being programmed to our specific geno types. 

I am a redneck viking. No doubt. I conspire with nature, but instead of being like the classic shield maiden I'm more like the naked and afraid version of some Woody Allen movie with Kathy Bates playing the lead. I do however consider myself an owl whisperer.   

I was in the store this morning, back in January, and a dignified older (?) man was searching for Brylcreem , and he was frustrated. Handsome and frustrated. I found the Brylcreem but by the time I made it to the front of the store he was gone. Pissed and with hair all awry. Thus the Brylcreem ad.

Lilly is still with me, thank God!  11 years young this year (now 2018).  We've lost a few friends and the count dwindles down. Soon it will be just me. Just me.

DOING JEWELRY... MISSING PAINTING

Posting from a phone is an impossibility for me as is functionality. You see age confuses the mind and the motor skills. Posting an image is a damned impossible privilege for me as well because I can only acquire so many pictures from thousands I have on this phone.😟 why ? 

So perhaps I’ll try my hand at an image again..... here goes 

but now........ i'm back to my computer at the wall of the magenta red.
i cant produce an image. so if i cant produce an image why in the great spirits name cant i raise a little hell. HUH?
Wow what a decade I have lived. it's Just beeN epic. All levels of emotions i have FELT.
and to all of those who have traveled with me i cannot praise and love and protect enough.
i AM a PROtector.
I'm Connie Schwarz and this is THe CARNIval KiNd.
and now i enter my 60's . More purposely in a gothic state of mind. sEdated. ELaTED . Praying to be sedated. i have found that as long as i am producing whatever it may be it is better than producing nothing.
And so i keep going. wRItING , drawing, PAINTING (?) POO ART
that last statement cannot be validated in legal channels of the streets of broadway .
and then of course
there are the ghosts:
this so far ..... as in my first year of 60's is not quite where i  want it yet. if i'm looking toward going out it's got to be in a different way. i feel like as your typical neurotic at times bitch..... can you "dig" that? HOW?
I feel okay about making this ethereal leap into a vast void of entering a different energy field all together.  And the music plays in the background as a young prostitute dances in a tattered dress crying seductively.

Okay heres goes nothing. thats right......
but I Promise to TeLL you things About Me.
and then I WANt you to forGive Me.
yellow.

I think I forgot to down load images . EEH chi WAWA and his disciples of cool. now playing at the diner on the corner that has been known both physically and paranormally.
yellow. 

I'm putting stuff on etsy soon! BUY FROM ME . AND ONLY ME ! OR I'LL HUFF AND I'LL PUFF AND ............? I'LL QUESTION IF ITS REALLY WORTH IT. 

GOODNIGHT WAYNE.