One year has passed, one very long journey. What I believed just 365 odd days ago has gone askew. What I believed would be the answer was the beginning of my self punishment and salvation.

I retired, I moved to a small city and took big ideas with me. I moved to Cookeville Tn.. And thats all you can say about Cookeville . Now.... I didn't want to be in the city , I spent my life in Nashville Tennessee and watched it turn into a giant cyst of greed and hypocrisy . It's easy to say that next to Cookeville , Nashville is the last place I want to be. But I had to move and I had little time. No savings, no security, no backup, and a slumlord who's  skin was starting to bubble from the smell of gentrification taking over Nashville and all surrounding parts . Let's call him Jeff..... Jeff the slumlord. When someone wants you out of their space because they smell the money, they love the money, they ejaculate money ..... well they can make your life miserable. And so I as many many other victims of greed had little time to move.


Little time, too many animals, a daughter who hates me for giving birth. And no money. I went through psycho therapy for 4 years all to no avail. A fat little man Norman with a itch and a dabble of droll for women with dissociation disorders. Again, our sessions gave birth to a malformed cabbage patch doll. A failure at voodoo imaging. What a sick man. But what is a man if he isn't sick I ask ye?

When I departed Nashville on my birthday in April of 2019 I left to people going through my possessions on the road like valuable road kill. In the end thats what is was I suppose . Intrinsically valuable road kill.

The slumlord still wanted more money. I wept. I didn't owe anything mind you except for what he had taken the amount up to. And this is where as a "christian" I find shaky ground with my faith, that and the fact that I despise men.

This is where I'll wrap things up for the evening. With more on life and art to come tomorrow.
faithfully
c.

MONDAY 

NOT a lot happens on a Monday, no wrong, all kind of things happen on a Monday. I've noticed that Mondays and Tuesdays can pretty much break a whole week , but my worst day so far in my whole lifetime........ SUNDAY. 

I dont like it and i never ever will. 

Artistically speaking i am moving right along . A coat of varnish here , 3 hours on this here thang, and then disturbed sleep . Maybe this has something to do with the cravings for colors I've been having. I absolutely must have yellow-green, chartreuse , olive and sage , oh my! 

Healing. 

One mans last cigar is one womans treasure! I take care of cigar boxes, and I mean they do become different. Full of color . The one above is almost finished I just have to clean up the locks and hinges. 

This was an experiment. For both a window and as a necklace.  It's okay..... it'll do. 

And its building. 

There are days when I've talked to myself so much that in the end I dont have a word to put on paper. I met a man yesterday .... 87 years old..... served in korea as an airforceman. We conversed and it was heavy, he told me that he later went on to counsel the men who had unsuccessfully processed the sick decadence of war.   PTSD.  Yes I know what that is..... yes sir ! 

Anyway he sat there just absolutely bringing tears to my eyes as he reminisced about war days and war dogs and vile forms of everything all the while visualizing something else more pleasant whilst creating a slaughter. 

He discussed the pineal gland , and it's all mighty link to the true knowledge all humans are gifted with but so few care to discover. He spoke deep truths . I was stupefied. I was on the edge of my chair just looking as deeply into this "mans" eyes as I could, I mean, this was a once in a lifetime event. At once when I realized I was possibly talking to a ghost of a ghost the lady next to me , a young attractive hispanic lady got up to her place in line. 

Once she had paid for her medicine he came out of his vision quest of supreme-ness to remark .... now that's cute. 

And to me ....... at that minute..... he lost it all. 

goodnight  

MEANING

I would like to state first of all that I approached life like a giant amusement park. About 45 years ago I happened upon a freak show in a yearly carnival. Popeye stood out on the podium drawing a crowd in by preaching the gospel according to the lost all the while popping his eyes to such an extent that at first the crowd would wince and turn away, but it became such a convincing spectacle and so constant that the crowd just took it in; all the while parading in like rats to cheese. 

And that's pretty much my life. If I wasn't doing the beckoning I was following the darker road, begging for darker things. The darkness was all I knew. 

When my mind isnt so tired as now I will tell stories about my life. Stories that my daughter will read later and react to with no surprise what so ever , because I've prepared her, she's just never heard or read the words. 

Oh Allison..... I know this world is killing you 

    

my aim is true.............

(elvis costello) 

21 - 27

Six short years! So much change in these years that when I look back on it I cant see how I made it. Now...... it's getting down to where i forfeit correct diction which my usual readers will comprehend and things will become more stream of consciousness...... get it? cause thats how i roll. 

my 21st birthday comes and i'm thinking "i could disappear anywhere and never be sought after for at least three days".  i took that in and i was quite intimidated by the aspect of the thought as well as the number. at the time i was working for the nashville tn. division of the new york stock exchange and loving it. crazy intellectual diversity! oh mama you couldn't penetrate that basement for all the love in the world! 

it started with a job that was so far above my head ....... i begged my then boyfriend to take it, because i knew he could . and now he's a multi millionaire and he'll tell you frankly that I gifted him with the monetary expanse. you're welcome! 

so much money! guys straight from wall street to teach us the "method". Located right there in the heart of music city usa, nastyville tennessee printers alley .......yes we were! 

at then end of the week we celebrated with dinner catered in from the Captains Table by gentlemen dressed in white coats serving fine cuisine and drinks. 

i rode in big black cars with the brokers and danced the night away to Evelyn Champagne King. Cigarettes , weed, alcohol........... smile . 

YELLOW 

Things were good. The check was always in the mail and I had not a care in the world. But I was tiring of my companion and so i left the wild wonderful world of jc. bradford for distance which would eventually lead to my heartfelt demise. 

Dark clouds were descending upon the sunshine and i enjoyed the change in vision because dark clouds always beckoned me . Still do. 

And with one , no two, no three waves of the god's hands my reality went into overdrive. Love , hate, passion, dysfunction junction was the building i lived in. Pregnancy, death by murder. But I had already hit the ground running and while the tears of regret and pain blurred my vision I kept running at the fastest pace i could. sweet mama. 

Cobwebs. 

Sickness. Heartbreak. come and dance with me. I couldn't hit the target , i couldn't find security in any form. Possibly God held me in his hands the whole time but I never felt that one embrace. I was on my own. I was dosing myself with the magic poison. so young , so stupid. 

not the end ...

not even close 

If Marlon was a tomato. He'd be the Godfather of fire roasted. 

A bit off but still a happy gum drop graveyard! In the autumn when the leaves fall and coat the dead in color! Such is life! 

Dudley / husband ,  the devil dog. Socks are his forte'. Kitty poo coated in kitty litter..... hmmmm... makes for the bite behind my devil dogs breath.
I had a dream one night. My dream took place in another time, another place; and there I was with my lover. Like forlorn snakes we were, tangled up in ageless desire , cooing lightly like doves ... we were human.
It had come time for us to part, he and I and all between us. I was being left behind. And as I've said once I'll say a thousand times ; it's better to be the one leaving than the one left behind.
And then he was gone.
I woke from the dream in the middle of the orange glow that we ..... devil dog and I sleep in. My heart was so heavy and filled the room with this feeling of acquiescence.
In my arms I held my Dudley..........my devil dog. He slept calmly in my arms as I began to cry. The kind of crying where each and every tear burns. As Dudley slept softly..... then I knew..... he is/ was my lover. My soulmate transformed into the warmth of perfection and devotion.
How divinely sweet , how would he know?
We are both old now and well..... his time could again come before mine. But I swear to you with all the pleasure and pain the Lord God has dealt me ........ we will meet again. And again, and again, and again.
How divinely sweet.
goodnight

1. The transition: I,  like many have gone through so many a transition. I've taken in so many faces and commanded that my mind remember each and every nuance of the subtle joy and pain that I feel when I've glimpsed into anothers eyes. And no matter how many faces, how much laughter I take in there is never a way to fill the hole in my heart, for the river is deep and the flow is long and ever changing. 
2. The remedy in short term fashion:  denial.
3. The end of the story :  too long ago ...... too far apart..... she couldn't wait another day for the captain of her heart (DOUBLE) 
4. And so I continue . I press my face to the steamy glass to see the china that lines the walls that once graced the tables of love and trouble and joy and heartache. And I open the door and search for postcards and love letters and sure enough ...... I find them. 
5. But never my own. 
6. Fried green tomatoes....... many a southerner swears by them. The cornmeal , the fat , salt and pepper takes you there to a place where satisfaction lies in the belly of the oppressor. 
7. the
8. end 

Monday January .... but first.......

It’s so cold out there, lord just inhumanly cold. Cold like in that Kirk Russell movie The Ting. That’s what Northerners call it; down here in the south we call it The Thang whilst the west coast progressives won't even call the movie anything out of fear of labeling.
However it was a dreadful movie... just like 31 Days of Night.  Lord have mercy! Vampires running the streets for 30 nights, TWENTY FOUR SEVEN OF VAMPIRES. And the thing is.... IT’S COLD LIKE ANARTICA OUT THERE. 30 Days of Night is bad enough. Who’s going out anyway? Who’s going to make a run to the market in the frigid night? But in 30 Days of Night citizens are having to make all kinds of runs. And yes, it would make for a better sense of community to fight insanity or cabin fever I suppose. Lots of babies made? I would think ! But in the likely case of arctic as well as blood sucking conditions......   Not me. What got me started on this? It's March now! From November to April in the south any weather goes.
Now from a personal perspective......
 I 'd rather be a werewolf.  Just think of being so evil, with such a blood lust ;  and pining for the taste of that sweet sap  that zero degrees is “no sweat” .... you just wanna suck blood. That makes vampires slaves to their addiction. Disgusting. And...... when you’re a vampire ALL blood is good. No I take that back, there are some exceptions. I doubt political affiliations mean anything however ......

I’ve been watching a lot of dark movies, yeah. I’ve been watching them for about 30 years now, and that could be a problem. I’m too old for love stories. Too old for Care Bears. Do you find yourself mesmerized by Netflix and Prime series?  People just want more show! They don’t want an hour and a half they want immersion.

People are hanging on the hinges of tubular life. We are being programmed to our specific geno types. 

I am a redneck viking. No doubt. I conspire with nature, but instead of being like the classic shield maiden I'm more like the naked and afraid version of some Woody Allen movie with Kathy Bates playing the lead. I do however consider myself an owl whisperer.   

I was in the store this morning, back in January, and a dignified older (?) man was searching for Brylcreem , and he was frustrated. Handsome and frustrated. I found the Brylcreem but by the time I made it to the front of the store he was gone. Pissed and with hair all awry. Thus the Brylcreem ad.

Lilly is still with me, thank God!  11 years young this year (now 2018).  We've lost a few friends and the count dwindles down. Soon it will be just me. Just me.

DOING JEWELRY... MISSING PAINTING

Posting from a phone is an impossibility for me as is functionality. You see age confuses the mind and the motor skills. Posting an image is a damned impossible privilege for me as well because I can only acquire so many pictures from thousands I have on this phone.😟 why ? 

So perhaps I’ll try my hand at an image again..... here goes 

but now........ i'm back to my computer at the wall of the magenta red.
i cant produce an image. so if i cant produce an image why in the great spirits name cant i raise a little hell. HUH?
Wow what a decade I have lived. it's Just beeN epic. All levels of emotions i have FELT.
and to all of those who have traveled with me i cannot praise and love and protect enough.
i AM a PROtector.
I'm Connie Schwarz and this is THe CARNIval KiNd.
and now i enter my 60's . More purposely in a gothic state of mind. sEdated. ELaTED . Praying to be sedated. i have found that as long as i am producing whatever it may be it is better than producing nothing.
And so i keep going. wRItING , drawing, PAINTING (?) POO ART
that last statement cannot be validated in legal channels of the streets of broadway .
and then of course
there are the ghosts:
this so far ..... as in my first year of 60's is not quite where i  want it yet. if i'm looking toward going out it's got to be in a different way. i feel like as your typical neurotic at times bitch..... can you "dig" that? HOW?
I feel okay about making this ethereal leap into a vast void of entering a different energy field all together.  And the music plays in the background as a young prostitute dances in a tattered dress crying seductively.

Okay heres goes nothing. thats right......
but I Promise to TeLL you things About Me.
and then I WANt you to forGive Me.
yellow.

I think I forgot to down load images . EEH chi WAWA and his disciples of cool. now playing at the diner on the corner that has been known both physically and paranormally.
yellow. 

I'm putting stuff on etsy soon! BUY FROM ME . AND ONLY ME ! OR I'LL HUFF AND I'LL PUFF AND ............? I'LL QUESTION IF ITS REALLY WORTH IT. 

GOODNIGHT WAYNE. 

SUNDAY MEMORIES

The above is a self portrait I conjured some time ago. I felt it a more powerful reprensentation of my on coming energy level. Really computer illiterate here and paying for it.  

To the left is a cool phase i was going through. This still continues for me in my art. 

 Mr. Sandman ....................
and lastly Mildred and her tomato tremendous !!!

ALL THE PRETTY KITTIES ; WHEN THE MIND TURNS

Been hanging out with my man Jerry Uselton and of course my woman Lisa Gilapeau; not to mention several dogs and cats in varying states of coming and going. ---But all stages of life are tough. Being rasied not to feel anything other than fight or flight makes everyday a cinematic day. TECHNOMATIC ..... and while the days pass in a state of accleration when I look back I see a slo-mo goulash of happenstance. It was brought to my attention last week  that "people" don't walk onto nor into unusual sights or interactions  everyday.  I HAVE. EVERY SINGLE DAY! those capital letters are the Aries coming out in me , I'm so 23 like that. Nothing personal to the group of 20 somethings whoever they are. peace and love . 

Becasue  I am an aries. and while for the longest time that subject has been hoo doo poo poo to a lot of people that I being of relatively sound mind and tormented judgemental skills judge most skepically. There IS something happening here ....AND MOST CERTAINLY ain't exactly clear.
We the boomers have seen this before............. this is not new. sorry. You're not that special. The boomers have seen some shit. But we have always kept moving by a maniacal  force.  BECAUSE WE HAVE TO REMEMBER WHERE WE CAME FROM ! Is it strange we should change?  I don't know..... why don't you ask her? ( a little neil young thrown down there) Because once again in our boomer status we are seeing and living this shitopia of brain matter collide. Mary Shelley's world is becoming real to me......so tangable.

Now the work above is Jerry Uselton and if you've follow me before then you're aleady aware of Jerry. There are 500 baaaaah zillion artist's in the world ....... let's be two of them. Or form a group. It will be the We All Know Something You Dont Club and when we meet we will share an object or a story ...... matters not but should be unique. Just a brain glitch. Shite happens.
 This Sunday, which is  most unfortunately for me a Saturday ... it's about memories.  And the memories will become stories. My cargo has indeed been strange and heavy.

In my thoughts now as I'm working being it like a slave ,or as an artist on a lenghty Sabbatical I still see the and connect with the animals far more than humans. In fact I hold them in my heart as the Living Christ. 

 I have experienced most every kind of hoo doo you can imagine. Along with my family ....large but dysfunctional in a hitchcock way. I was born in an asylum/ santarium as I believe I have currently mentioned , as well as a hospital. Deemed by Ellen G White to be a promised land per the man, God. I can recall many a summer day as a child my mom talking with by passers, people who had gotten out of the sanitarium and were out for a stroll. My mother was kind to these people, she was able to calm their energy. The ranch home I grew up in was a mini cosmic magnetical forum for the arriving.   

"They" say that cats aren't bothered by unidentified flying objects. Once contained in an enclosed area they are in tune to every spectrum of energy. Don't underestimate these beings! They are majestic hunters! And whilst the bear might a force , or the allmight grasp of the shark, the thought of coming close to the big cats can make me shiver in me boots. God's praises to these majestic creatures that I have had the privledge to have know at birth and death. I am blown away by the animal kingdom, and I accept them and pray they accept me. For my sins are many.

MOVING ALONG....

Okay, so there's a gaping space at this moment in my blog. And I'm willing to be that if I were 30 years younger I would've figured it out in about 10 minutes. I mean..... while we were out making a living raising our children they were entering into a cyber world even if they were only touching the outer layer. THEY WERE INFECTED. 

Do you feel that this world has always been controlled by a Machine? Or do you think the Machine just within the past 15 years took control?  Or even earlier than that? I think people are weird. And if you ask most people will tell you I'm weird. 

I'm still heading toward Monty Python. I'm still waiting for the saw tooth buck rabbit. or what ever it was. 

I hope there are enough  ARTISTS and  CHRISTIANS to hold this world together for awhile And animals. But if they really want to exit this world for the next level which should be heaven then I absolutely understand . I think the shit is hitting the fan. 

looks comfortable ? yes probably so! This makes me think that there are probably tens of thousands of mystic swings out there...... conversations, laughter and tears. Nights alone, just looking at the house, waiting for company. 

Waiting to be lived in. Been lived in ! This used to be a large farm for sheep. Yes it was brought to my attention. Yes sir. The farmers name was Roscoe and he owned one hugh pasture for sheep . That hopefully goes on to a beautiful story so I'll let it go at that.
But if you're downsizing to a bluebird tiny house I have an offer for you!!

I Can't remember crap 

I understand destiny and I understand   

creating destiny. I understand the concept of karma. I totally understand and feel the Resurrection. 

I feel the life breathing from trees. When the wind is blowing I feel the emotion it's using. When dog's howl I'm there with them ...... and when humans howl I hear my own. 

But I still don't know crap about technology. 

goodnight wayne

WHAT DREAMS MAY FOLLOW

AUGUST 

How about August ? 

Up until now in my whole wide life all thought I've given to August is that it's black dog sweating hot .  As far back as my childhood August and September are the seasons of smelly people , dogs, city streets. You name it. And I will proudly say now that I hate the heat. I was born a heat hater.    

But....you name it !  You call it . The people that worship the sun, I think about those people and it seems that ..... these people are locked in childhood. Sunlight is good , yaw . There was this time in September long long ago.... now gather close, shhhhh. 

Let me think.... it was 1967. Maybe I was listening to the Archies around that time. The Archies were were a comic rock band based on a comic book. They produced teen age hits. Better than Katy Perry and most of the jacked up jive ass rabid rabbit that's out there now.

But anyway. It was that ending of summer when the leaves were falling and gathering in wind blown piles then nature would touch them , as today , with that sleepy eyed rest is coming aroma. And it was then in a little town called Old Hickory during a late summer evening that I felt my first twang / awakening/ recognition/ surprise of something called love. Something called attraction. His name was Phil, and up until that moment I had been repulsed by the very sight of him. He never wore shoes, he was covered in freckles, tall and thin. Conan o Brien comes to mind. And there we were in the leaves talking 60's stuff and the wind blew while

 he shuffled his feet in the leaves. Such a I was 10 years old and had just completely lost it. And as a creature of perpetual habit the first thing I did was take in the scent of the season and embraced what that scent would forever remind me of. 

50 years later what do we have ? 

It's all gone . 

BIG FAT TEAR DROPS

WHEN A DRAMA QUEEN WEEPS

For now my audience will have to bear with me as I alone suffer through the indignation of technological illiteracy . 

A crazy storm is brewing outside and I can truly say this is the only occurance in my time of humilitation that brings me comfort.

I will confess now ... I live for storms. The onset and the 
actual storm . The sky when it darkens off in the distance
 and the rumbling that starts in waves as it comes closer to reach you. Like a deranged child I invite the storm to consume me. I lust for the lightning to strike me.  When I actually had a home, before it was taken , I would lie out in the backyard which was a field with one big butterfly bush that I had planted , a clothesline and then about a 1/4 acre down the woods leading to the Cumberland River. The clothesline would later become a main fixture in my life
because once when I was pregnant and hanging out clothes 
my mother came running out and told me to stop! "Don't you know what will happen?"  She asked !! On April 17th I delivered a healthy 6 pound baby girl . The cord was wrapped around her neck three times. 
Sometimes we shouldn't question folk lore.

I was born on April fools day in a "sanitarium", early in the morning with no recorded time. All I knew was what my parents told me.   There was a crazy storm .... an April storm .... my mother went into labor and had me naturally. She was a beautiful intelligent woman who had been diagnosed as anorexic. I doubt that my father was there. I was a large baby too big for such a long lean woman and so the doctor used forceps. And low and behold the next thing I hear is that the sun came out and the traffic rush hour had ended and viola' ..... there I be !!

The storm is ending now. The sounds of thunder drift away as the dogs are still stunned and gathered around me. All looking out into the open space of the house.....  waiting.
It will take me awhile to get this whole blog presentation down, I have no understanding of my actual keyboard or my IPAD PRO.  Just had to throw that in there , tee hee. But what good is an excellent machine with a chimpanzee as an operator?

I am at a point in my life where reflection is mostly what I do. Producing art is how I carrry on, it's how I fake being 60 is the new 40. As limited as my life has been I have seen too much for the limited strength of my soul. I am my own worst enemy.
Goodnight wayne

ANNIE McCUE

WHEN MEMORIES BECOME LOST

 OKAY, bear with me while I figure the world of technology out. I'm not of that realm.
I'm beyond 8 track tapes but just barely. But I do have to say as a blogger this IPAD be the bomb.
I think I'm in love with my IPAD which means I have to name it. I will wait for it to speak to me.

 What makes a mind great? Does it come from desire or is it a matter of DNA ? Or as I believe
All things come pre-destined. I believe that there are no accidents. Every single micro association
Of your everyday life is in pre-determined design . We look at the world watching for clues, signs, verbal cues. But do we look past the apparent? Of course, many of us do, and that's when things become YELLOW. Sometimes hazy because you can't believe what your eyes are seeing. The awake dream state. Happens a lot when death comes around.

 I've lived most of my life in a knee jerk state of fight or flight. And working at an asylum perpetuates that state of mind. Never speaking , progressing at breakneck speed to process the meat presented before you, to communicate with those who speak no language. Those who hear only the sounds of different levels of humming. Then silence comes once you've done your time, and as for me and my mate its complete silence. From screaming buzzers and belts and people to complete silence, and yes it is golden, a nice form of yellow.

 

THIS IS REALLY NOW .....

Greetings : first of all let me make my vow , even though my promises are never to be trusted, that I will do my best to stay un-political. Not neutral..... just the best I can do. Scouts honor

It's been such a long time since I've sat before a keyboard and I'm older now.  Perhaps it will come back ? There are times when the ideas flow from my mind and its like an endless river, like anyone might experience whilst road raging, working, hating, loving , you name it. The mind has a tendency to go the abstract in thought to escape and if you're a manic depressive its at that exact point where God takes his finger and touches my head just with the warm quintessential tip........... and it's electric! There were times when I would stay in the zone for days. Work at the asylum and loss/sadness took that away. It's amazing what loss and sadness will do. I have grown to never trust yin and yang. Are the rewards really worth the loses? Payment of spiritual debt and then the affirmation of a greater spiritual level having survived.... is it worth it? It's been a tough week, but a blessed life.  You will find that my work is directly stream of consciousness.  Fuck comma's , sentence fragments, I don't care about any of that.  I process. I regurgitate. I spin it round and make you wonder if what you are reading is really truth or fiction. Is it possible to live fiction? Why would it not be?  Six of one half dozen of the other.....ones mans floor anothers ceiling.......... seriously..... yes you can live fiction! But it must be in the genes.  
Right now at this point in time how are you feeling?  Are you living on one plane?  Maybe floating a few more streams at once? Hey, ,,,,, it happens . Roughly once the "EFFECT' happens there's no way out.... you're in a way different level of vibration ....... yellow YELLOW......... you either want to wallow with the circus clowns, which don't get me wrong, I'm down with that.... its cool. PADDY O. DADDY O.  We are living in perhaps on of the most significant times of the whole frigging existence of  IDIOCRACY AND THE BODY SNATCHERS AND EVERY MOVIE WE EVER BELIEVED TO BE OF WHAT EVER INTEREST.  We are living in a different dimension.  We'll have a total eclipse to add to the fun, people are melding into so many segments that I would say, YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE OUTSIDE TO PLAY". PERSONALLY.... I IDENTIFY WITH THE CANINE GROUP FROM A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ERA.... RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS...  so fast, so easy. I would think this in the meantime would lower my insurance rates so perpahs you might hear about it at a RAGE party I'm holding for trans canine rights/!!! TRANS CANINE RIGHTS NOW!! DAMN IT!! GIVE IT TO ME OR I'LL EAT YOUR YOUNG FOR DINNER.... grrrrrrr....... I would leave you with a picture but I haven't figured this pad out . It's the pro.  Which for me is complete overkill .  Please join me.....Things fire up again now. 

Goodnight Wayne 

Lilly in prayer after receiving cosmic cat nip.  and the beginning of this blog.